G – Grief Is Not Linear: Understanding the Real Stages of Loss
What Grief Really Looks Like
Grief touches everyone at some point in life. It may come after the loss of a loved one, a relationship, a job, or even a version of yourself that no longer exists. Many people think grief follows predictable “stages,” but the truth is far more complex and deeply human.
You may feel sadness one day and relief or anger the next. Sometimes you might feel nothing at all, which can be just as unsettling. Grief does not look one specific way, and it does not have a fixed timeline. It can affect your body, your thoughts, your sense of identity, and even how you view the world.
Therapy can help you understand that grief is not something to rush through. It is something to move through gently, at your own pace. Healing often happens in quiet, subtle ways, through moments of connection, self-reflection, and meaning-making rather than a linear checklist of emotions.
1. The Myth of the Five Stages
Most people have heard of the “five stages of grief”: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This model, developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in the 1960s, was originally meant to describe the experiences of people facing their own death, not those grieving a loss.
While these stages can help name common feelings, they are not a roadmap to recovery. You might move back and forth between emotions, skip some entirely, or experience several at once. Sometimes people feel anger after months of acceptance or relief mixed with sadness. None of these responses are wrong.
Modern grief research emphasizes that grief is a personal and evolving process. According to contemporary models, such as the “meaning reconstruction” framework proposed by psychologist Robert Neimeyer, healing comes through making sense of the loss rather than moving through fixed emotional stages. Each person’s grief reflects their unique attachment, coping style, and the significance of what was lost.
When you begin therapy, one of the first goals is often to remove the pressure of “doing grief correctly.” Instead of measuring your progress by how far you think you should be, therapy helps you identify where you truly are and how to honor that experience without judgment.
2. Grief as a Wave, Not a Straight Line
Many clients describe grief as waves. Some days the waves feel smaller and easier to manage. Other days they crash hard and catch you off guard. Both are normal and valid.
This metaphor aligns with what psychologists call the Dual Process Model of Grief, developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut. It suggests people naturally oscillate between two modes:
Loss-oriented coping, which involves confronting and processing the pain of loss.
Restoration-oriented coping, which focuses on rebuilding daily life, roles, and relationships.
Neither mode is better than the other. In fact, healing often depends on the flexibility to move between them. You might spend one morning crying over memories, then spend the afternoon running errands or laughing with a friend. These shifts are not signs of avoidance, they are evidence that your system is adapting and trying to find balance.
Therapy helps you recognize this rhythm and work with it rather than against it. Through mindfulness and acceptance-based strategies, you can learn to “ride the waves” instead of feeling drowned by them. When painful emotions arise, grounding exercises and mindful breathing can help you stay present long enough to let the intensity pass. Over time, the waves become more predictable, even if they never disappear completely.
Reflective question: When have you noticed moments of calm in the midst of your grief, and what helped those moments appear?
3. Common Emotions That Come with Grief
Grief can bring an entire mix of emotions that may seem confusing or even contradictory:
Sadness, the most recognized form of grief, often comes and goes in cycles.
Anger may appear toward the situation, yourself, or even the person who is gone.
Guilt can surface with thoughts like “I should have done more” or “I shouldn’t feel better yet.”
Relief may occur after a long illness or difficult situation, and it does not mean you loved less.
Numbness can protect you from overwhelming pain when the loss feels too big to process.
In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), clients learn that emotions are messages, not moral judgments. Sadness might signal the need for connection, anger might point to a sense of injustice, and guilt may reflect your values rather than your failures. Understanding these signals helps you respond compassionately instead of reacting harshly toward yourself.
Grief also affects the body. You might notice fatigue, loss of appetite, headaches, or a general heaviness. These are normal physiological responses to loss. By integrating mindfulness and gentle body awareness into therapy, you can learn to listen to what your emotions and physical sensations are communicating.
Reflective question: What emotion do you tend to avoid most when grieving, and what might it be trying to tell you?
4. Coping Strategies for Healing Over Time
Grief cannot be “fixed,” but it can be supported. Small, intentional acts of care make a significant difference over time. Here are several strategies often explored in therapy:
Allow space for emotions. Journaling, talking with a trusted friend, or writing letters to the person you lost can help release emotions in a tangible way. Naming feelings reduces their intensity and helps you integrate the loss into your ongoing story.
Establish gentle structure. Simple routines, like making your bed, stepping outside for fresh air, or preparing a meal, can ground you when everything feels unpredictable. Structure gives your body and mind cues of safety and continuity.
Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness-based therapies encourage noticing thoughts and sensations without judging them. This can prevent you from being swept away by distressing memories. Even one minute of mindful breathing or grounding can bring clarity during emotional storms.
Seek connection. Support groups, therapy, or community activities can remind you that others share this experience. Social connection releases oxytocin, a hormone that helps regulate emotional pain.
Honor anniversaries intentionally. Certain dates or seasons may trigger strong emotions. Planning gentle rituals, like lighting a candle, writing a letter, or taking a meaningful walk, can transform those moments into healing opportunities.
If the pain feels constant or you have difficulty functioning, working with a therapist can help you process your grief at a manageable pace. Therapy offers tools to regulate overwhelming emotions, reduce self-blame, and build meaning over time.
5. Finding Meaning After Loss
With time, many people discover that grief transforms rather than disappears. The loss becomes part of their story but no longer defines every moment of it. This transformation is not about “getting over” the loss, but integrating it into a renewed sense of purpose.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) focuses on helping you live in alignment with your values even while carrying emotional pain. You can learn to hold grief gently while still engaging in life that feels fulfilling. For example, a parent who has lost a child may find purpose in supporting others through advocacy or mentorship.
Finding meaning might also involve reimagining your relationship with what or whom you’ve lost. This can include continuing bonds, such as talking to your loved one in your thoughts, visiting special places, or creating art in their memory. These ongoing connections help maintain a sense of love and belonging without preventing growth.
Reflective question: In what ways could you honor your loss while also nurturing something new in your life?
Healing in Your Own Time
There is no timeline for grief and no single right way to grieve. Whether your loss happened months or years ago, you deserve space to process it without pressure or comparison. Healing is not a race. It unfolds at the pace your heart and mind are ready for.
If you are struggling to make sense of your grief or feeling stuck in the pain, therapy can help. I offer online therapy for adults across Ohio, creating a compassionate space to help you process loss, rediscover meaning, and heal at your own pace. We can work together to help you move forward, one gentle step at a time.
— Sam Long, LISW
Founder of Long Therapy Services, LLC
-Growth and Healing, Wherever You Are-
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The information on this page is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline) or go to your nearest emergency department.
